The Friend Zone is like a penis in a jar. Break in case of emergency.

Lemme go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry’s Perspective. One: If someone’s standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can’t decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two: I’m fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there’d only be one website left, and it’d be called “Bring back the porn!” Three and most importantly of all: The only way to be respected as a doctor — nay, respected as a man — is to be an island; you are born alone, you damn sure die alone.

You’re giving orders to me? OMG, Barboo, you make me want to LOL. I just discovered text messaging. I know i’m a little late to the game, but that doesn’t mean that you’re any less of a G.A.B.P.I.T.A.W.M.W. number 2 “D.” Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain In The Ass Who Makes me Want to Die.

There’s an experience worse than blindness—it’s the certainty that your vision is perfect and the horror that there’s no world around you to see.

Only those with the strength to seize their destiny deserve to have one.